IOBP
Are you a magnet for entanglements, or do you just get stuck in the same bad relationship pattern repeatedly? Friends might ask, “why do pick the same kind of person?” Funny how they automatically defer all of the errors to the other person, when it is really “you.” Yes, “you” and your attachment style that keeps the perpetual cycle of poor relating alive and well.
Let me let you in on some information you would pay a professional to tell you. The most intimate and personal relationships in our lives are the litmus test for attachment style. What is yours? Are you repeating and reenacting in some way the trauma and drama that has happened in your life? Your functional or dysfunctional model for your adult relationship may have started in your childhood.
Think about it. When you reflect on your past and possibly current relationship, is it the same relationship only with a different person? You may just be dating the same person over and over again? Even worse, does it seem as if you can’t even find a suitable partner at all? Do you find yourself thinking that all of the good ones are taken, married, or in a committed relationship? These are all issues that both men and women face.
Lastly, even outside of your intimate relationships, do you find that your relationships with people, in general, have caused you to lose confidence in humanity? Everyone is the same, so it’s just me against the world. (In my Tupac voice)
If so, it may be time to take a serious look at the attachment styles formed from childhood to course-correct. Take a look;
Attachment Styles
Yes, childhood attachment styles matter in the lives of adults. The work of two psychological theorists has provided us valuable information on both secure and insecure attachment styles.
There are four children/adult attachment styles:
- Secure – autonomous
- Avoidant – dismissive
- Anxious – preoccupied
- Disorganized – unresolved
Although adults with theses attachment styles are unique in their own way, there are some distinctions. Behavioral health providers note the following markers in adults in relationships, Specifically:
- How they perceive and deal with trust, closeness, and emotional intimacy.
- The skill to identify and communicate their feelings.
- The ability to know and understand the feelings of their partner.
- The ability to listen and understand their partner’s needs.
- The ability to resolve conflict.
- The ability to estimate what is expected from them, their partner and the relationship.
Here we identify four primary, basic dimensions that characterize childhood attachment styles and adult relationship patterns of the styles listed above.
Secure (Autonomous): Low on avoidance, low on anxiety. Comfortable with intimacy, not worried about rejection or preoccupied with the relationship. As a child, the parents bonded with the child, made eye contact, appropriate touch, positive voice response. The adult trusting in relationships, comfortable, warm, and caring. In adulthood, has balanced efforts for giving and receiving help and love. Seeks out a partner with similar needs; can reciprocate emotions and expression.
Avoidant (Dismissive): High on avoidance, low on anxiety. Uncomfortable with closeness and primarily values independence and freedom, not overbearing to a partner. As a child, the parents were brusque and aggressive. The child may not approach the parent directly but linger near the parent. As an adult, likely avoids close contact with people; would prefer to work alone; poor emotional expression; cold and callous toward the emotional response of others; does not regard their partner’s sensitivity; unavailable emotionally as a parent; and very uncomfortable sharing their own emotions.
Anxious (Preoccupied): Low on avoidance, high on anxiety. This individual is “needy”; crave closeness and intimacy, very insecure about relationships; clingy to inconsistent caregivers; moody and unpredictable in relationships; overly sensitive and highly reactive with others; starts arguments and blames others. As an adult, one may be preoccupied with what others think of them; second-guessing themselves; filled with worry and stress.
Disorganized (Unresolved): High avoidance and self-sabotaging; all relationships are disorganized. Likely suffered at the hands of an abusive or absent parent; parents may have also been abused. Has a high tendency to recreates past negativity and dysfunctional relationships; unable to regulate emotions, manipulative, and punishing; desperately avoids closeness in a relationship, no regard for rules, demands respect lacks empathy and remorse. Poor outcomes reported in most relationships. Disorganization is considered a severe insecure attachment.
My friend was kind enough to listen through my long clinical explanation of her own analysis. Yet, dismayed to find out there is a true meaning to her. What she is observing is her own relationships at the moment.
She admitted to avoidance (dismissive) relationship attachment style. I shared that attachment patterns can be passed on in families (generational). Children learn how to connect from parents, primary caregivers, and they consequently teach the next generation.
What to do
Family attachment history plays a crucial role in determining how you relate to adult romantic relationships and parent your children. There is much to be made of how you identify, change, and improve your relationship role. It is worth the time and effort to look at your own patterns of interaction…it is never too late. Breaking damaging generational cycles can start with you.
If you are in SC, AL, MS, LA and really need to speak to someone holla. IOBP will cover the cost of for you to speak with a professional.
info@inspireonebillionpeople.org
